As I sit here with tears falling on my keyboard and goosebumps making me shiver, I'm reminded of how quickly life can change. I just read the funeral notes of Tyler, a young man I'll never meet, but someone who's choices I'm thankful for. I could feel the love in the words spoken about him, I could see the impact he made. My mind flashed back to losing Justin when I was a child, and all the emotions you can feel in an instant. That feeling of your throat trying to gasp for air when you are holding back a tidal wave of tears. Rough carpet on your face as you curl up in a ball on the floor because climbing into bed seemed to require too much energy. The realization of just how much of your world revolved around a friendship and knowing you can never go back to show them how empty you feel without them.
My last memory was him pumping his break lights as he drove down the road, out my town & out of my life, forever. As if it was a final farewell. Looking back I can only pull out bits and pieces of the rest of that year. Thankfully most of the memories have blurred together like a watercolor. Darkness of pain and loss. Red streaks of confusion and anger. Light hues of purple and blue, numbness.
The part of that life crushing year that I would never trade for anything is the tenderness. When you are at your most vulnerable moment and your walls have been bulldozed into the ground, you can physically fell love all around you. Comfort and tenderness like you've never experienced before. I remember asking God to hold me as I laid in bed trying to stop sobbing. I'll never forget the peacefulness that came over me. My soul was pulled in close and the shaking ceased. As if the earthquake had ended in that moment and all was still. That was the closest I've ever felt to God. It's a moment I treasure. A moment that anchored my life.
Ten years later was the first time I felt thankful for the experience. Thankful he was taken at a time in his life that he was making the right choices and putting God first. Thankful I survived and it made me the woman I am today. Thankful I can relate to losing someone you love more than you ever thought you did. Knowing that in an instant the balloon of life can be deflated, but can in turn become fuller as a result. God is loving, kind, & true just like that hymn says. I'm beyond thankful I know him as my father.
