So I had a conversation with my mother today that has stayed on my mind since. We were discussing having a clean house. I have very drastic views on both ends of the spectrum on this one. My mind says I should be able to be SUPER human and do it all. My body says it's going to actually start to dry heave and get the shakes if I don't take a few spare minutes I can sneak in during the day, for myself. This is a conflicting way to live and I get quite tired of it to be honest.
Here is a list of what I did DO today: (feel free to skip ahead)
*Woke up at 5am w/ crying 9 mo old SWEET boy...reminded myself I love him...and gave him a bottle in hopes he'd sleep in and in turn I could too!
*Tossed and turned for 30min before my darling daughter came in crying at 5:30 b/c she needed help pulling on her bottoms b/c she had gone potty (I try to be happy she's getting this part of potty training) and she informs me she 'needs to get up!'
*Beg daughter to go back to sleep and she ends up crawling in our bed and laying still for 6 minutes before insisting we 'doe down 'tairs, MOMMY!'
*I fed her breakfast, the baby woke up, changed and fed him, got darling daughter dressed, teeth brushed, hair combed, tic-tac reward for sitting still (her not me...although maybe I should put dark chocolate in the bathroom for my reward), cleaned up kitchen and dishes, rocked/bottle fed/put pretend baby to bed per daughters request, and got baby back down for a nap.
*Got dressed myself, finally. Made a watercolor picture with instructions from daughter on what color went where. She chose brown for 90% of it so needless to say, it's GORGEOUS!
*Woke up daddy at 9:15 b/c I had to rush out the door for a chiro apt.
***I LOVE going to the chiropractor! It's the best 'mommy time' of my week! I get a mini massage and leave feeling like a new woman...and an adult!! I snuck to panera to meet mom for a coffee and treat before getting the car washed, running in super supplements, and rushing back home.
*Come home to hungry baby and little girl who won't eat lunch for daddy. Manage to feed him and get them loaded up to go to a garage sale. Visited gramma, Grandma & Grandpa there, play in the yard, go for a quick walk, and head back home again. Daddy has left for work by now.
*Both kids fall asleep in car so I carry them in and he goes right down. Darling daughter...not so much! She screams and freaks out that she doesn't have her pull up, jammies, drink, piper dog, 2 babies, and that they aren't wrapped up...oh and she NEEDS to brush her teeth!!!! Heaven forbid we skip that step. She's going to actually brush her teeth off is she keeps this up forever!
*1 hr later she's finally asleep and I spend 30 min trying to figure out how to download a book from the library onto my phone...this leads to typical computer/technology error on my part and was a complete waste of those 30 min...too late now!....baby wakes up.
*change/feed baby. He was happy for 10 min eating blueberries while I cleaned the kitchen up again and paid a bill.
*Baby decided to cry while I made dinner.
*Annelise wakes up on the WRONG side of her little bed and cried for literally 30 min, wouldn't eat, hates the world, shoot me now, I'm going to loose it for real....please someone save me! Russell and I decided we didn't want to eat our entire dinner listening to this so she was sent upstairs to deal w/ whatever her non issue was, alone. Might sound mean but it was the BEST I could do at that point. Convinced her to eat a pb&honey sandwhich instead of the yummy stir fry I made for her initially.
*clean kitchen AGAIN>>>
*Made a cheesecake for my hubbys bday which was monday (today's friday) but it's his favorite!
(clean up after that too...duh)
*Painted another watercolor w/ 'bRush'...I'm starting to get good at this inside the lines stuff!
*Both kiddos got a much needed bath after that and we had to take them 1 at a time b/c Darling daughter doesn't like him in her tub. To save them both from drowning each other, I let her make the call on this one.
*Changed/lotioned baby etc. Got Daughter dried and dressed for bed.
*Put baby down for evening nap and I PLAYED mama to her baby for over an hour. Yes, I am getting quite good, under darling daughters strict instructions, at being a mama to her baby. I'm not allowed to hold the bottle w/ my chin, hands only! I must wrap her up and if she's 'pooped' I have to change her. She informed me she stunk and it was 'mama's turn to chinge da poopy dahpur.'.....lovely!
*We laughed and danced and tickled ourselves silly. I love one on one with her.
*brushed teeth, read books, got drink, 2 babies, piper dog, big bear and only 1 blanket. Just as I finished reading book 2 of 5 baby woke up crying his eyes out!
*Convinced daughter that 2 is better than 5 and quickly did our rituals to get out the door so I could rescue my sweet boy.
*Stuffed him full of food for the 5th time today... hence his girth...and gave him a bottle w/ cereal hoping for a long night of uninterrupted sleep!!!
*Shut his door at 8:50 and believe it or not I'M EXHAUSTED!!!!
*not sure I got every feeding or diaper on here but you get the 'gist'
What I DIDN'T do today:
EVERYTHING ELSE....
*Clean...even though all surfaces need it. Floors, counters, entryway, upstairs & down...all need it. It actually feels like a wood chipper has come through here and left bits of perfectly chokable sized food in it's wake. Sprayed it out in a fan of crumbs just waiting for baby boy to discover it's lack of being edible!
The point behind this is that I'm beat. My children are my life/job and they win. They get what they need and most of what they want in terms of mom time/attention and by the time it's all said and done I can't seem to do any more.
If you'd walked in this house this morning and then came back tonight you wouldn't have known if we were on vacation or had been here. Nothing got better, in fact it was barely maintained to it's quite messy state! I can tell myself that I've been busy and rattle off all the reasons and excuses as to why it's such a disaster but the truth is I still feel GUILTY everyday. Most days it's not this bad b/c most weeks I'm not making 2 wedding cakes on top of everything else...but still. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm ready for bed by 8:50 when I close that door at night and PRAY I don't see their angelic faces for at least 12 hours...although I KNOW that will NEVER happen!..more like 6 if I'm lucky!
If I walked in my house, I'd judge. I'd think to myself...
"HELLO! Get your life organized, clean this place, and MAYBE after that you can enjoy life...Maybe!"
That right there is the ticket folks...the reason behind WHY my life is and will most likely always be this way.
I would rather ENJOY a cup of coffee w/ my mama, kid free no less, than hurry home for 20 more minutes to get something done.
I would rather paint/laugh/dance/tickle/giggle/play hide & seek (which is quite easy w/ all the stuff to hide behind haha) than clean.
I would rather rock my sweet boy after a long day than spend that time scrubbing floors.
That's who I am.
Why do I feel bad about that? Especially when I like that about myself?
So I've decided to TRY to not feel bad about it anymore. I know that....
I'll always choose to spend the day w/ my best friend, relaxing in my living room w/ toys spilling out of every corner, and discuss life and love ALL day over anything else.
I will always remember the fun I had w/ my kids and not how I wish my house had been cleaner.
I've always invited lots of people over on short notice and LOVED every minute of it...the part I want to change about that is always feeling like I need to apologize for not being a Martha...
So for all of you who are my friends out there...Please come by ANY time. If my house is a mess, I'll still sit down and chat w/ you as long as you want to stay...and more than likely you'll end up eating something delicious...and calorie free...Okay...not so calorie free....but delicious!!!
(How many of you thought to yourself: "she just spent 20 minutes writing this instead of cleaning while her kids are asleep".....I know some of you did...So did I!
Baby steps!
<3 a tired but happy
Mama
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